Subj:
The Gender War PG 1/1(humor)
The Gender War PG 1/1(humor)From: Christina Ayres
Disclaimer: As usual, I don't own Star Trek or DS9 I just have a
tendency to play with things that aren't mine. THis story is
mine however.
If someone thinks this story is fit for public consumption you
have my permission to put it on your site. Please tell me first
though.
This is another of my I'm-bored-out-of-my-mind-in-econ.-class
stories and was inspired by an episode of MTV's Daria. It
brought a smile to my face I hope it does to yours.
The Gender War
or
Those Paint Ball Thingies Hurt!
by
Chrysa
********
The Promenade was completely deserted. Everybody was staying home or on ship following last night's argument between the Senior Staff.
"So, you think men are better than women?!" yelled Kira.
"Yeah!" shouted Sisko.
Dax looked over at Worf. "Do you believe that?"
The Klingon squirmed uneasily in his seat.
"You do! Fine then, you're sleeping on the couch!"
"The couch is too hard."
"Tough noogies, Warrior Boy!"
The shouting match had attracted the attention of the bar's patrons and it's owner. Just as Kira and Sisko were coming to blows Odo and Quark stepped in.
"Now calm down."
"I'm sure you two can come to an agreement without wrecking my bar!"
Kira straightened her tunic. Pointing her finger at Sisko, she yelled, "I challenge you to a battle of the sexes."
"Agreed. How do you want to lose?"
Arguments arose over how the challenge should be carried out. Finally, everyone agreed that Odo should decide since he was used to mediating disputes.
"I'll check the computers for a way to settle this and give you my decision in an hour."
* * * * * *
"You can't be serious!"
"I am."
"It's so...so..."
"Childish!"
"Then I chose correctly because you're all acting like children! Now since the women on the senior staff are outnumbered --keep smiling Sisko and I'll throw you in a holding cell! --I asked Keiko and Leeta to join them."
"Keiko!"
"Shut up, Miles!"
"Quark and I are going to be neutral parties. Quark doesn't want to do this and I know better than to go against Nerys in warfare."
"Odo's whipped!"
"Watch it, Worf, that holding cell's just begging for your company. Now, here are the rules..."
* * * * * *
So now anyone who had any sense at all stayed away from the Promenade and watched the proceedings at home, paying a modest fee to Quark for providing the hook up.
Odo stood behind the behind surveyed the area shown on the monitor. "Maybe we should do this more often. I like a crime free Promenade."
"You might like it but I don't," muttered Quark while he polished a glass. "Any more days like this and I'll go out of business."
"All the more reason to have them."
"Oh, come on. You know you'd be bore without me even though you and the Major are together."
Odo thought about it for a moment."Hmmph."
Quark, knowing that the snort was as close as he was going to get to an agreement, smiled triumphantly and turned back to the monitor.
A string of Klingon curses caught their attention. Grins split both of their faces as Worf, covered with a dripping yellow substance walked into the bar.
"What happened to you?" Quark asked as he fixed the defeated warrior a prune juice.
Worf brooded for a moment. "Jadzia tricked me. We got to the combat zone and parted. I got less than five feet away when she calls to me and runs into my arms. Then she gives me this sad look and says, 'Honey, I'm sorry.' I thought she was giving up, that she was going to say she was wrong so I smiled, prepared to forgive her... and got hit in the gut with this gunk. Then she backed up firing at me and laughing." He rubbed his stomach. "Those paint ball thingies hurt!"
Worf's two companions behind the bar started laughing.
"That's my Dax!" Crowed Quark.
Odo got down in Worf's face. "Guess who's whipped now,Warrior Boy!"
* * * * * *
"See there he is! I'm telling you that mop of blond hair is like a lighthouse beacon!" whispered Keiko.
Hiding in the balcony of the Bajoran cafe was the women's team. Down below, conducting a methodical search of the lower level of the Promenade, was O'Brien.
"Sisko and Bashir are off in another area scouting, " murmured Leeta. "I wish they'd thrown Rom into this. I could've taken him out easy."
"Not as easy as Worf, " Dax chuckled. "I gave him that, 'Oh, I'm sorry, Honey' routine and blasted him to hell when he fell for it."
"Duck! He's turning this way!"
They dived to the floor as O'Brien turned and started hunting in their direction.
Keiko peeked through the railing. "Damn. He's not going away. We're going to need a distraction, maybe even a sacrifice."
"My goodness, Keiko. This is a side to you I've never seen before," said Kira. "I'm proud."
Keiko grinned, "I don't care who goes out there but his ass is mine."
"I'll do it."
Everyone turned to Dax.
"You will?" asked Leeta.
"Sure. Kira wants Sisko, you can nab your ex, and Keiko gets Miles. I've already creamed Worf so I'm a happy camper."
"Alright, your choice." Kira turned to Leeta. "Come on, I have an idea."
* * * * * *
"Be vewy, vewy quiet," muttered O'Brien. "I'm hunting wascally wabbits." He looked behind a directory. Satisfied he walked around it and continued his search.
A blue streak with brown spots passed him before he realized it.
"Hi, Chief!"
It took him a second to realize it was Dax. "Hey!" He turned to aim at her.
PokPokPok
"Ow!" O'Brien grabbed his back and turned around. "Keiko!"
"Gotcha!"
PokPokPok
Dax, who'd turned to watch O'Brien get creamed and was now laughing her head off, grabbed her back and turned around. "Julian!"
PokPokPok
Blue paint splattered Keiko on her chest and neck. "Yeouch! Dammit, Julian!"
A smug Julian Bashir came out of hiding and smiled at them. "Well, well, well..."
PokPokPok
"Ahhh!" Julian grabbed at the yellow staining his butt.
"Leeta!"
"Heh Heh!Heh ! I'll get you my pretty and your little bear too!"
"Not my Kukalaka!"
PokPokPok
"Yipes!" Leeta rubbed her stomach. "Sisko!"
"Wooo hoooo!" Sisko took off not wanting to be hit. A red streak took off after him.
Everybody rubbed at their sore spots. As one they
yelled: "THOSE PAINT BALL THINGIES HURT!!"
* * * * * *
"Good grief! Both forces practically taken out in one fell swoop." Quark shook his head as the five "dead" fighters walked into the bar.
Worf raised his paint ball rifle and shot Dax in the shoulder.
"Dammit, Worf! Your sleeping on the couch for a year then you'll be sleeping in an open airlock!"
"It'll be worth it, deceptive wife!"
Dax sauntered over to him and kissed his yellow nose. "What you call deception I call strategy. I thought you would have been proud."
Worf squirmed a little before admitting, "Yes, I am proud of you for thinking it."
"But?"
"I wish I'd thought of it first."
Dax laughed and hugged him.
O'Brien, sharing a drink with his wife smiled, "You did pretty well out there. I'm proud of you."
"Well, I am married to a 'hero of Setlik III.' I must have learned something."
They clinked glasses and laughed.
Leeta and Bashir were sitting at the bar trying to wipe the paint off.
"You're not really going to steal my Kukalaka are you?"
"Of course not...you hid him too well."
* * * * * *
Kira looked around her as she crouched behind a circular information booth. She'd lost of Sisko a few moments before. * He's got to be around here somewhere!*
Turning around she started backing up along the booth's smooth wall.
* * * * * *
Sisko frantically searched the surrounding area with his
eyes as he crouched behind a circular information booth. *Lost
her a minute ago. She could be setting up a trap for me.* He
backed up along the booth's smooth wall.
* * * * * *
Odo and Quark were watching Kira and Sisko stalk each other on the Promenade.
"I don't believe it," said Odo.
"Neither do I. I break out even in the betting pool if I think what's going to happen happens."
"You started a betting pool?" Odo turned to Quark.
"Of course I did!"
"Well, why didn't you let me in on it?!"
"You don't gamble!"
"Oh, right."
"Just watch the monitor, Odo."
* * * * * *
Kira bumped into something behind her. She straightened.
* * * * * *
Sisko bumped into something behind him. He straightened.
* * * * * *
Everyone was crowded around the monitor now.
"I don't believe it! This plays like one of those old comedies."
"Will you get off my hand!"
"Your elbow is in my neck."
"I can't see."
"Try platforms Quark!"
* * * * * *
The two adversaries whirled around.
POPOK!
"Crap!"
"Aw Jeez!"
Both officers stared at each other, paint spattered on their uniforms and the floor.
Sisko was the first to laugh. A moment later Kira joined him.
"So I guess this means we're equal."
"Yeah. I suppose so." Sisko hooked an arm around her shoulders. "We may not agree on a lot of things but that's ok."
"Well, there is one thing I'm sure we can agree on," said Kira as she rubbed her chest.
"Yeah. Those paint ball thingies hurt."
* * * * * *
Laughter greeted them as the two walked into Quark's. As it quieted Odo, leaning against the bar with his arms crossed, said, "I take it you've learned your lesson?"
Kira and Sisko looked at each other and then at the other participants in their little war.
"Yes, Odo," replied Sisko. "I think we've learned our lesson."
"Good."
With a mischievous gleam in her eyes, Dax said, "I think we should thank Odo for teaching this valuable lesson." She gave Kira a meaningful look.
"Yes, we should thank Odo."
As the idea caught on everyone started to move into a semicircle around the Constable.
Quark, behind the bar, took one look at them and ducked.
Kira smiled at her boyfriend. "Now everyone say: 'Thank you, Odo!"
"THANK YOU, ODO!"
PokPokPokPokPokPokPokPokPokPokPokPokPokPok
Hey! Those paint ball thingies hurt!"
^_^The End^_^
