By Chrysa, Amy, and Regina (who will receive any feedback via Chrysa)
Disclaimer: Paramount and half a dozen other companies and people own DS9 and they wouldn't touch this fic with a ten foot pole and a tranquilizer gun. Several things in here aren't ours and we fully acknowledge that and give credit to those who deserve it. (even if we don't quite know who those people are. ^_^) This story and the words that go to this version of the Gilligan Island song belong to us.
This originally started as a the-ops-crew-is-bored-again fic by me(chrysa). Then I got Amy in on it and then we brought in Regina. So now it's an insane round robin closely resembling our chatroom conversations.
WE rate this R for suggestive comments, political incorrectness, and just plain idiocy. ^_^
See kids, this is what too much soda, chocolate and Bajoran pygmies will do to you. ^_^
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***It was a typical Monday morning in Ops. Chief O'Brien's curses were as colorful as ever as he worked on the replicator. Worf was his usual unhappy self as he sat at his console. Ezri Dax, feeling an urge to sit at Jadzia's old station, was happily fiddling with the view screen controls. Bashir was oohing and ahhing over her accomplishments, while Odo found an excuse to pop into OPS every half hour with a report and a kiss for Kira. Kira, while waiting for her report and kiss, was tapping her nails on the central Ops table, and Sisko was pretending to play baseball in his office.
Everyone was bored out of their minds.
Kira banged her head on the table for a little entertainment.
Ezri looked up concerned. "You bored, Kira?"
"No, I'm trying to give myself a nose job. Of course I'm bored!"
Yup, typical Monday morning.
Ezri took a look around and saw people falling asleep at their stations. *There's got to be something we can do.*
"Come on ya blasted Cardie replicator WORK!" screamed O'Brien as he viciously kicked the machine.
A cup of coffee materialized.
"Yeees!" O'Brien did a victory dance. "I am *so* good!"
Worf glared at him. "If you're so good then why do you have to fix that thing every day?" He ducked as the mug came flying toward him.
"At least I do something," muttered O'Brien. "All you do is sit and scowl. Wouldn't know a good time if it slapped ya on the ass. Oh no, wait, that is your idea of a good time."
"What?!"
"Nothing!" O'Brien smiled brightly and turned back to the replicator. "Klingon warrior my Aunt Fanny." He muttered. "Computer, coffee."
Another mug appeared and he took a sip . . . and another . . . and another until the mug was empty. "Wow," he breathed. "Now that's what I call coffee." He didn't notice the blinking light next to the alcohol setting.
Bashir looked up at him. "You all right, Miles?"
"I feel grrreat! You should try this!" O'Brien replicated another mug and gave it to his friend.
"Mmmmmm! This is really good! You didn't add anything did you?" Bashir whipped out a tricorder.
O'Brien was insulted. "Of course not! I fixed the replicator! What is it with you people?!"
Bashir took another sip. "Damn good coffee in any case."
Soon everyone was crowded around the replicator.
Sisko poked his head out of the office, "What's up?"
Kira, after being on the receiving end of passionate kiss from Odo, replied, "Really kick ass coffee. Here, try some." She handed him a cup.
"This!" Sisko declared dramatically, imitating Captain Kirk. "Is . . . the coffee . . . dreams! . . . are made . . . of!"
Everyone groaned.
"Hey! My teacher said I had great potential!"
Odo snorted. "You look like you're having a heart attack! Get your money back!"
Sisko plopped into a chair and sulked as he sipped his coffee.
Kira gave Odo her mug. "You should try it. It's really good."
Odo gave her a skeptical look. "I'll try it but I don't know if I'll taste anything." He emptied the mug.
For a moment nothing happened.
Then he twitched.
Kira looked at him curiously. "Odo? Baby?"
He started to vibrate in place.
You could hear a pin drop in Ops as everyone stared at the Constable.
The Changeling started to shake and make funny noises. After a moment he quieted down.
Kira tentatively put a hand on his arm. "Sweetie?"
Odo started to emit a high-pitched whine.
"Everybody duck! He's gonna blow!" Kira yelled as she dove for the floor.
Odo shot up like a rocket, steam coming out of his shoes and ears. He hit the ceiling and bounced off like a high speed pingpong ball. Sparks flew and the Ops crew helplessly followed the golden bouncing ball with their eyes.
Finally, Kira managed to crawl over to a replicator. After a moment she came back down hiding something behind her back. The other officers watched in fascination as Kira intently studied Odo. At just the right moment . . .
Quick as lightning, Kira whipped out a giant butterfly net and snagged Odo mid-bounce. The pole of the butterfly net snapped, flipping Kira over and sending her to the floor while Odo made a sizeable hole in a back wall.
The Ops crew applauded.
Kira got up and bowed. "Thank you. Thank you." She ran to Odo's side as he oozed to the floor.
Odo's friends gathered around him as he slowly reformed. Woozily, he looked at them and smiled. "Hi."
Kira smiled. "Hi."
Sisko peered at him, as Bashir took out his tricorder and mentally planned a paper entitled "Changelings: Regular or Decaf?"
Ezri put a hand on Odo's shoulder. "How do you feel?"
Odo thought about that for a moment. "Usually with my hands but I have sensors all over my body." Laughter rang out as he picked himself off the floor. He swayed crazily for a moment. "Wow. What a rush." His eyes strayed to Worf and in a tearful voice he cried out, "I love you, Man!"
Worf, who by this time had sucked down at least twenty mugs, yelled, "I love you, too, Man!"
Ezri was so pleased. "I can feel the love in the room!" She grabbed Bashir's hand. "Everybody! Kumba ya! Kumba ya!"
Immediately, the lights dimmed and a dozen lighters were lighted as the people in Ops swayed back and forth singing.
A beeping caused everyone to pause. Sisko and Kira went to check it out.
"Oh shit."
"No kidding."
The Captain and the Major turned and looked at everyone. "It's Nechayev . . . and Kai Winn!"
"OH SHIT!!!" Screamed everybody as they scattered and hid.
O'Brien flicked off the lights to the entire station. He, Sisko and Kira ducked under the central Ops table. There they found the other Senior officers.
"Isn't it against the laws of the universe for those two to team up?" Grumbled Odo as he pushed Worf's butt out of his face. "Move!"
"Hey! I've got Julian's foot in my stomach." Worf gave an irritated growl. "Can't you morph into something smaller? Like a mouse?"
"Good point." Odo shoved Worf into Bashir's foot before sliding over to Kira.
"Oof!"
"Oh, did I do that, Woof? I'm sorry."
Kira snickered.
An insistent beeping caught everyone's attention.
"Do you think if we just ignore them they'll go away?" Asked Sisko hopefully.
O'Brien snorted.
"Only one way to find out," replied Ezri.
They all scrunched down to wait.
Luck was not on their side.
The beeping became even more insistent until, to everyone's horror the view screen crackled to life.
"Captain Sisko? We know you're there. He is there isn't he?"
"I'm sure the Prophets would have told me if he'd left."
Sisko shuddered. "Should I go talk to them?" He whispered.
"No!" Everyone hissed back.
Kira smacked him in the shoulder. "You say one word to them and they'll never find all the pieces of you."
"Sisko!" Came a high-pitched shriek.
"Kira, the Prophets wish you to speak to me and praise me for all my work."
"Not unless you chained them to a torpedo they didn't, you delusional old hag." Muttered Kira. Odo put a comforting arm around her shoulders.
"Winn, they have to be there."
"I know. Well, we'll just have to dock and find them."
The Senior officers looked at each other in horror.
"Oh like hell they will," declared O'Brien. "I'll blow this station up first."
"I don't think we'll have to go that far," piped up Ezri. "Why don't we just not be on board when they get here?"
The others stared at her for a moment.
"Last one to the Defiant's a rotten egg," said Bashir and they all took off.
"There! There, Nechayev! I told you they were on the station!"
* * * *
Ezri and Kira were checking out their consoles on the Bridge when a piano introduction startled them. They looked at each other and then at the door as it slid open.
"Just take those old records off the shelf! I'll sit and listen to them by myself."
"Oh Prophets," breathed Kira. Ezri just started to laugh.
"Today's music ain't got the same soul. I like that old time a-rock 'n' roll."
In slid the men of the Senior staff on their socks. Sunglasses adorned their eyes but, more importantly . . .
They wore no pants.
"Don't try and take me to a disco. You never even get me out on the floor."
Sisko was belting out the tune as the others slid around and danced using hair brushes for microphones.
"In ten minutes I'll be late for the door. I like that ol time a-rock'n'roll."
As the men sang Kira and Ezri clapped and threw singles at them.
"Hey!" Yelled O'Brien. "What's the money for? Do you want us to do the Full Monty?"
"NO!" The women screamed in unison.
"So what's the money for?!" Yelled Sisko as Bashir took over singing.
"To keep your underwear on!!"
Odo took over the singing and the others joined him.
"Still like that old time a-((rock'n'roll)) That kind of music just ((soothes my soul)) I reminisce about the ((days of old))"
Ezri leaned over to whisper to Kira. "I remember Worf's Monty."
"Really?"
"Yeah. It's more like a half Monty."
Kira looked at her in shock before they both started to laugh uproariously and high five each other.
"Damn, Ezri! I didn't know you had it in you!"
"Neither did I! I think it was Jadzia!"
They clapped and cheered until the finale, taking the ship out as the guys pulled their pants back on.
"Captain, the Admiral's ship is increasing speed toward the station!" Called out Kira as Sisko slid into his chair.
"Well, what are you waiting for let's get the hell out of here!"
The ship didn't move. The bridge crew looked at Sisko.
"What?!"
"You have to say 'Take us out,' sir." Said O'Brien.
"Oh for-- Take us out!"
The ship still didn't move.
"What's wrong now?!"
"What do you say sir?"
"I'm going to come over there and rip your spine out if you don't get this bucket of bolts moving." Sisko replied his voice dripping with honey.
"Well, I was going for a 'please' but that's close enough. Here we go!"
The turtle-shaped Defiant swung out like a drunken sailor and chugged slowly toward the Galaxy class starship bearing down on them.
"O'BRIEN!"
"What?"
"Take off the damn parking brake!!"
"Oops."
The Defiant shot toward the Enterprise like a bat outta hell and passed it by.
On the other bridge Admiral Nechayev and Kai Winn looked at each other.
"They left!" Exclaimed Nechayev, outraged.
"Without so much as a 'hello.' Can you believe that?!"
"Well, we can't have that. PICARD! Turn this thing around and follow them!"
"Yes, Admiral." Captain Picard gave the order and sat down tiredly.
Riker leaned over. "You know, Sisko might just have the right idea. Maybe we should all jump ship and run away."
Troi leaned over. "All we have are shuttle craft, you idiot."
"She's got a point, Number One. You can be such an idiot."
Riker huffed, sulked in his chair and thought evil thoughts.
* * * *
"Are they still following us?" Whined Bashir as the Defiant sped along its merry way.
"For the fifteenth time YES!" Screamed Sisko.
"Where are we going?"
"I don't know."
"When will we get there?"
"I don't know."
"Then how do you know we aren't there yet?"
"Serenity now! Serenity now!"
* * * *
5 minutes later....
Sisko settled back into his chair and relaxed. They'd finally thrown Bashir off the bridge and sent him down to the Infirmary. *Ah, peace and quiet.*
O'Brien was over in a corner happily fiddling with some wires. Kira was sitting in Odo's lap. Worf was gossiping with Ezri and several of her previous hosts.
"Ok. Slide wire A into plug D..."
"You have the cutest blue eyes...."
"Somewhere over the rainbow..."
BABAM!
"Ow!" O'Brien looked out from behind a console, his face black and his hair on fire. "How's that?"
Sisko calmly picked up a fire extinguisher and blasted his friend with it.
"Thanks."
"No prob."
Sisko looked up at the view screen. "Reception's better."
"We getting 'Days of our Lives?'"
"No, I think it's the Discovery Channel."
"Crap!"
"Oh, Worf, it was hilarious!"
If Worf's eyebrows could have risen any higher, they'd be up in his ridges. He took one of Ezri's hands and started to file her nails. "You're not serious!"
"I am!"
"No way!"
"Way!"
Worf looked impressed. "So Curzon actually did see Captain Picard dress up like Dorothy and sing 'Somewhere over the Rainbow?' Unbelievable!"
"And that's not all . . . "
"So, Odo," Kira smiled and ran a finger up and down the Constable's chest. "Do you really have sensors all over your body?"
"Want to go back to your quarters and find out?"
Kira laughed and snuggled into him. A blinking light caught her eye. "Guys?"
Sisko and O'Brien looked up from the mess of wires. Ezri was pulling curlers out of Worf's hair. Worf took off the cucumbers on his eyes.
"Guys?"
They looked up at her. "What?"
"Would it be a bad thing if a Jem'Hadar ship were coming towards us?"
Sisko looked thoughtful. "Well . . . yes I suppose it would. Wouldn't you say, Miles?"
"Uh, yeah. Worf?"
"Hmmm. Cucumber. Good."
"Ezri?"
"Well, it depends. Do they want to be friends or shoot the crap out of the ship and take Odo back with them?"
Odo slid Kira off his lap. "One way to find out." He turned on the comm system.
On the screen appeared the Founder and Weyoun.
"And the joy just increases." Stated Odo.
Kira turned to Sisko from the weapons' station. "Can I shoot her? Pleeeese?"
"Well, we should be polite and ask them what the hell they want don't you think?"
"No."
The Founder stepped forward. "Odo come back to the Link." She held her hand out. "I can give you clarity."
Odo's eyes widened. "Hey, Kira."
"Yes, Dear?"
"You remember when Jadzia was telling us how humans used to listen to those big flat disks with music on them?"
"Records? Yeah, I remember."
"I finally know what a broken record sounds like."
The Founder looked insulted as everyone started to laugh. She turned to Weyoun. "He doesn't like me?"
"No! What makes you think that?" Weyoun turned to the Jem'Hadar and gave them a boy-is-she-stupid look.
The Founder gave him a sour look and whacked him upside the head. "Smartass! Stop them!"
"You heard her, boys! Let's get them!"
Ezri looked worried. "Ooh, that can't be good."
Sisko's jaw dropped. "O'Brien?"
"Yes, sir?"
"Are they going to fire on us?"
"I believe so, sir."
"Don't you think you should do something about that?"
"Like what?"
"Oh, I don't know like GET US THE HELL OUT OF HERE?!"
"That might be a good idea." O'Brien dived into the mass of wiring at his feet and pulled out two of them. He rubbed them together and the Defiant's engines roared to life. Quickly he punched the speed up to warp 9.
"Okay, everybody wave bye to the Founder!" Said Odo as the he flipped the view screen off.
Bashir poked his head through the door. "Are we there yet?"
"God! He's like a bad rash that just keeps coming back!"
* * * *
The Founder was not happy.
Weyoun backed up a few steps. "Now, Founder, can't you take a joke?"
"Hmmmm. No." She smiled evilly and promptly took Weyoun's head off. "Get me another Weyoun!"
Who'rewefooling'klan, the First, gasped. "Oh my God! She killed Weyoun!"
We'refoolingnoone'klan, the Second, exclaimed, "That bastard!"
A comm signal distracted them. With the press of a button the two saw a... well, let's just say it wasn't a pleasant sight.
Weyoun 666 came in. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Don't screw up." Replied Who'rewefooling'klan.
The Founder turned to Winn and Nechayev. "What do you want?"
"Oh, not much." Replied Winn.
"We want the DS9 crew. Want to join us in hunting them down?" Asked Nechayev.
"Yeah sure."
The Enterprise and the Jem'Hadar ship took off after the Defiant.
* * * *
The Enterprise's senior officer's were hiding out in Ten Forward doing Jell-O shots and singing. (To the tune of Gilligan's Island)
Just sit right back and you'll hear the tale. The tale of this horrid trip. We have to follow Nechayev and Winn and now that Jell-O Bitch.
The Admiral started acting tough. The Kai imposed her will. There's nothing the Captain would like more than A phaser set on kill. A phaser set on kill.
"Take us here! Take us there! Take us everywhere!" "Hey! Don't forget the fries!" Oh geez, there's nothing more we'd like than to see them die! We want to see them die!
The ship set sail for DS9 to go and get her crew. With Captain Picard, There's Riker, too. The Doctor, Without her son. (Thank God!) The Engineer, The Counselor And the android man. Here in Enterprise hell!
Take pity on the senior staff, They're trapped for a long, long time. Sisko and his pals are lucky! They're on DS9.
No chocolate! No poker! No Cuban cigars! Just those endless high-pitched shrieks! Perhaps we'll have to face the Borg. That would make our week.
You look intelligent, my friend. Run or else you'll lose! Be a kind soul and send for help! Or at least send us booze!!
"Captain Picard? Commander Riker? Are you in there?" Came the voices of Winn and Nechayev through the door.
"AHHHHHHH!" Screamed the senior crew as they ran out the other door.
* * * *
On the fleeing Defiant Ezri had a bright idea.
"Let's have have a picnic on the holodeck!"
Everybody was excited until Woof -er-Worf pointed out that the Defiant didn't have a holodeck. "The Defiant is a battle cruiser and should stay that way."
Ezri looked at him. "Tell me again *why* did Jadzia marry you?"
"Because she loved me?"
"No, that's not it."
Odo took a guess. "Because he was good in bed?"
"The operative word being 'was,' but, no, that's not it."
"His hair?" Guessed Sisko.
"Nope."
"Prowess with a bat'leth?" Asked Kira.
"Nah."
O'Brien chuckled. "The fact that he could cook those little chocolate cupcakes shaped like hearts and sing 'I got you, Babe?'"
"That's it!"
"WHAT?!" Yelled Worf. "How did you know I did that?" He glared at O'Brien.
O'Brien smirked. "One bottle of bloodwine and a grieving Klingon."
Worf glared at Ezri. "You suck, Ezri!"
She blew a raspberry back at him.
"You know, I like the idea of a holodeck on board," mused Sisko. "Hey, Miles? Can you make a holdeck?"
"Well, let's see...If I take out most of the crew quarters, reroute enormous amount of power from everywhere else and not electrocute myself. Yeah, I can do it."
"Great."
* * * *
"Okay, wrench."
Worf handed him a wrench and went back to his data PADD on grasshopper hunting.
"I got you babe..."
Worf's head snapped up. "What did you say?"
"Nothing. Laser torch."
The laser torch changed hands.
"Babe!"
"What?!"
"Nothing."
"Hey! How's it going down there?" The two turned to see Kira walking towards them, Odo draped around her shoulders like a cape.
Literally.
Odo slid off Kira's shoulders and reformed. "That was fun. Can we play Superwoman again sometime?"
Kira smiled and embraced him. "Anytime, Odo, anytime."
Worf turned to O'Brien. "Don't they make you sick sometimes?"
O'Brien smirked. "You're just jealous because you aren't getting any."
"Well, Keiko's gone for months!"
"But when she comes home...."
A pissed off Klingon is truly a sight to behold.
Worf's face got extremely red and his nose lit up like Rudolf the Red Nose Reindeer's. His hair popped out of its ponytail and stood up like he'd been electrocuted.
"Aaaaaoooogah!" Worf yelled as he whipped out his bat'leth and swung.
"No, Worf wait!!" O'Brien shouted.
But it was too late. With a mighty swing of his weapon, Worf severed most of the connections in the wall O'Brien had been working on. The bat'leth embeded itself in the middle of the wall.
O'Brien planted his hands on his hips and glared at the unhappy Klingon. "Worf, YOU ARE AN IDIOT!"
Kira and Odo looked at the Chief. "What's wrong?" They asked.
"Oh well, nothing really. But if you don't want to end up extra crispy...RUN!" With that O'Brien took off screaming down the hall.
Kira and Odo looked at each other and ran after him screaming all the way.
Worf looked at their retreating backs confused. "What did I do?"
Then the wall exploded.
O'Brien, Kira and Odo made it to the Bridge just in time.
The Bridge officers turned around and looked at the three freaked out people cowering behind the door.
"Something wrong?" Asked Sisko.
"No, no nothing's wrong." Chorused Odo, Kira, O'Brien.
BOOOM!
The door bulged in slightly and smoke poured through the cracks.
Sisko raised an eyebrow. "Nothing?"
"Heh. Nothing at all." Replied O'Brien. Under his breath he muttered, "Got a whole lotta room for that holodeck though."
* * * *
