Coffee with Benefits
Author: Chrysa
Email: chrysa9@a...
Rating: PG-13 at least
Category: Humor
Pairing: D/J
Summary: Daniel needs coffee. (and no, I can't think of a better
summary. It's 730 in the morning!)
Disclaimer: I don't own it. God, help us all if I did. Any character
that you don't recognize as being part of SG-1 on TV is mine.
Authors: Thanks to Misty for the beta read. Kate for the title. The
Gateview chatters for general prodding and for giving me insane ideas
that late at night. I have no idea where this fic came from. There
was chatting and I think a mention of coffee and this plot bunny bit
my ankle and wouldn't let go.
****
Daniel closed his eyes then opened them, wondering how Jack had
managed to sandpaper the insides of his eyelids. He stared at the
mound of paper in front of him, then at the mounds of paper on either
side…until the edges blurred and they became one humongous paper
stack.
Did the stuff just breed when he wasn't looking? What the hell was
the deal with having things in triplicate? Just who had he pissed off
in another life to warrant this kind of torture? Daniel's hands
unerringly found his coffee up and he proceeded to take a huge gulp
of it…
Only to spit out the cold, disgusting mass of sludge that his coffee
had morphed into when he wasn't looking. Daniel stared at his
traitorous cup. Good god, how long had he been doing forms in
triplicate anyway?
He looked up at the clock and swore. Apparently, he'd been here too
long. It was almost 3 A.M. Daniel shook his head. That he should be
in his office at this time of the night was wrong on so many levels
it didn't bear contemplation. He sighed and got up to make a new pot
of coffee.
Coffee.
Everything looked better, smelled better, and felt better after a
good, strong cup of coffee.
"Dear god it almost sounds as good as it tastes.
CooooffffeeeAHHH!!!!!!!" Daniel looked down in horror at the empty
coffee bag. No coffee? There had to be coffee. He never ran out!!
Frantically, Daniel hunted through his office, throwing papers this
way and that until finally he could come to only one conclusion:
THERE WAS NO COFFEE IN HIS OFFICE!!!!
"There is a hell," he muttered in despair, staring at the burnt
coffee at the bottom of his empty coffee pot. "I've found hell and
it's an empty coffee pot."
There was only one solution. He had to go hunt down some coffee
before he went stark, raving mad…in triplicate. Now where would he
find coffee on the base? Daniel turned maniacal eyes to his 2IC's
office. Rei was always good for a cup of Kona.
Daniel dashed across the hall and hunted through Rei's office. When
he found no coffee near the maker he opened the cabinets, the desk
drawers, and her filing cabinets. Instead of coffee he found a
chocolate stash, trashy romance novels…and Highlander fanfiction? Not
just fanfiction, slash fanfiction. With a sigh he put it back in
hiding place and looked around, spying the air vent. Inspiration shot
through him, and he was prying the grate off before his mind had
caught up with his body. Eagerly, he stuck an arm in and pulled out -
a note?
Dear Daniel,
If you've found this note it's because YOU STOLE MY SECRET COFFEE
STASH LAST WEEK YOU DAFT GIT!!
Until you replace it, my coffee stays at home or on my body…and
there's no way in hell you're getting any.
Love ya lots!
Rei.
Daniel slid down the wall and bit his lip as he crumpled the note in
his hands. There had to be coffee somewhere! Where would a base have
coffee? Considering, it was 3 AM it was forgivable that it took a few
moments for an answer to float up to the top of his brain.
Commissary!
Daniel ran like a madman to an elevator, scaring the hell out of the
cleaning staff who were trawling through the halls with their
supplies like slow barges. Dashing into the commissary, Daniel
skidded to a stop in front of the bank of coffee makers that lined
one wall.
A few moments later, an eerie wail rose and drifted through the vents
causing several people on other floors to wonder if the base was
haunted.
Daniel frantically searched high and low along the cupboards
underneath the coffee makers, behind the coffee makers, even going so
far as to vault over counter top and run into the kitchen to find
some sign that there was coffee being housed there.
Alas, there was no coffee. Daniel looked around in disbelief. "It's a
test," he said, his eyes darting to and fro along the massive kitchen
shelves. "It's a test to see if I can survive long enough to find the
coffee. That's it. I'll find that coffee yet!"
Where? Where would coffee hide on this base? Where?! These thoughts
chased themselves through Daniel's mind as he moved through the base
like a man on a mission. "Coffeecoffeecoffeecoffee….My quarters!"
Quickly, Daniel rushed to his quarters and tore them apart, searching
high and low for his sacred coffee stash.
And then he remembered the late night he'd had a few days ago.
"Damn!! Why me?!! Why?" He staggered down the halls and finally found
himself in front of Sam's lab. Sam always had coffee. She was just as
bad as he was about coffee. SG-1 had been allotted extra coffee
rations for off world trips because of how pissy they got when they
ran out. Ever hopeful, Daniel searched through Sam's lab but it
seemed that she, too, was out.
Which was wrong, so very, very wrong.
Near tears, Daniel trudged to and fro; visiting different departments
to search out their coffee and – insanely – no one had any! Finally,
Daniel found himself knocking on Teal'c's door.
After a moment, it flew open to reveal Teal'c. He was as stoic as
ever, but the raised eyebrow said that this had better be good or
there would be a major butt-whipping tomorrow. "DanielJackson."
"Teal'c? I'm soo sorry to disturb you but…please, pleasepleaseplease
tell me you have coffee!!" Daniel fell to his knees, flinging his
arms out, his abject misery hoping that Teal'c would be his savior.
"I do not."
"Damn," Daniel went limp for a moment before standing up. "Well, this
just sucks. I can't find any coffee on the base!"
"DoctorFraiser confiscated mine after the incident with Urgo. She
monitors my coffee intake closely."
Daniel brightened considerably. "Janet," he whispered in an awestruck
voice. "Janet would know where the coffee is. Thank you, Teal'c."
With that Daniel walked off.
Teal'c closed his eyes, briefly thankful that not all Tau'ri were as
caffeine addicted as his friend. Then he closed his door and went
back to his kel'no'reem.
Daniel made good time to the Infirmary, his energy picking up almost
as fast as it had dropped. "Janet!" He rushed into the Infirmary.
"Hmm?" Janet took a step out of her office and looked around
curiously. In her hand was a cup of coffee!!
Daniel's mind did a happy dance and he went over to her. "Janet? Can
I have some coffee? I ran out."
"Oh!" Janet looked down at her cup of coffee and then back up at him
apologetically. She stood back and pointed at her empty coffee
pot. "I just drank the last cup!" At his unhappy groan she said, "I'm
so sorry, Daniel!"
Daniel snatched her coffee cup and peered inside. Empty! The coffee
pot: empty! It was too much. It was just too much to take in! All
that searching, all hunting, the paperwork…in triplicate!
Daniel simply snapped.
He needed coffee and he needed it now!
Janet took a startled step back before being swept up in Daniel's
arms. She opened her mouth, but before she could say anything his
mouth came down on hers in a bruising kiss. Slowly, he backed her up
against the wall, deepening the kiss as he explored her. Stunned, it
took Janet a moment to realize what was happening. When she did, she
slid her hands into his hair and became an active participant…giving
as good as she got and delighting in the moan Daniel let out.
Lack of air finally forced them apart. Panting heavily, Janet looked
into Daniel's heavy lidded eyes and licked her lips. "Wow," she
breathed.
"Yeah," he sighed happily. "Coffee-flavored Janet is amazing."
The End
